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How to say no effectively
Early in our career we have a hard time saying no at work, because we are so determined to prove our value.

As a result
  • We leave office at 11pm.
  • We deprioritise our health and relationships.
  • We take on more work than our bandwidth allows.

But as we get more influence in the system, we have to be very choosy of what will be the highest ROI (return-on-investment) of our time.

Here’s where we need to learn the art of saying “no”.But before that let’s see why do we say “yes” in the first place?

I went through a series of situations in which I personally found it hard to say "no", and here are the top 3:
  • I didn't know what was my top-priority.
  • I was afraid it might spoil my relationship with others.
  • I didn’t know how to say “no”.

Prioritise

You don’t have to do dozen things that have very low impact in your life. Instead do the one thing that makes the highest impact.

The thing people will remember you for, and no one else could do but you. Khe Hy calls this the $10k/hour work.

Checklist to evaluate before saying “Yes”

  • Does this opportunity fit my goals & identity?
  • Does it “spark joy”?
  • Do I have time to do a good job without sacrificing existing commitments?
  • Does the opportunity leave space for my personal life?
  • Am I uniquely qualified to fill this need?

If you’re not feeling “Hell yeah, that would be awesome” about something, say no. - Derek Sivers

Relationships

Separate the decision from the relationship

We forget that denying the request is not the same as denying the person.
  • I'm really tired at the moment, and wouldn't be able to attend your party. I'll make sure to make up for it next weekend.

Don’t have to use the word No

  • I am flattered that you thought of me but I’m afraid I don’t have the bandwidth
  • I would like to but I’m overcommitted

Focus on the trade-off

Remember what we are giving up when we say yes to someone, the easier it is to say no.
  • I'm sorry for leaving early today, promised my son that I will take him out for a movie tonight. It's his favourite.

Don't make fake promises

A clear “no” can be more graceful than a vague or non committal “yes”.
Good
  • I won't be able to do a good job at this currently, and will have to pass.
Bad
  • I will try to make this work
  • I might be able to
  • I'll try to squeeze it in

How to say "no"

Take pause (time to evaluate) before saying a “yes” or a “no”

  • Let me check my calendar and get back to you.

Use the “no but” approach

  • I would love to, but I’m occupied with this other thing.

Conflicting priorities

Remind your superior what you would be neglecting if you said yes and ask them to help you with the trade-off.
  • I can work on A, but what should I deprioritise between B and C?

Point to someone else

Often people requesting something don’t really care if we’re the ones who help them.
  • I can’t do it, but X might be interested. Let me put in a word for you.

Categorical “no”

Makes it look like an objective fact, than a personal thing
  • I’ve stopped offering rides, but I can book an Uber for you.
  • I don’t drink on weekdays.
  • I only do interviews on Fridays.
  • I don’t schedule meetings before noon.

Reference a commitment

  • I've committed to exercising every day.
  • Sorry, fully committed to a project right now.
  • I have to go to the gym at that time.

Counter offer

  • I can’t help with that, but maybe X can.
  • I don’t have time to do A,B and C, but I can do Z.
  • I'm over-committed and will be unable to attend your meeting, but can help with some suggestions async.

I hope having this script gives you the courage to say "no" in specific moments and helps you focus on what really matters.

“The difference between successful people and very successful people is that very successful people say no to almost everything.” - Warren Buffet

References